


you've got me feeling blue

by heartjoongs (krucxa)



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Loneliness, M/M, Pining, Synesthesia, fair warning this doesnt have a happy ending, ghdskjh, no beta we die like men, this is really just..... sad. y'kno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 13:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17899136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krucxa/pseuds/heartjoongs
Summary: It wasn't until now, that he finally realized it.He should've seen it coming. He really just played himself like that, as if situations like this one didn't happen to him before, as if he didn't know how every single one of them ended.





	you've got me feeling blue

**Author's Note:**

> (rated t only because of the angst)
> 
> this... is a vent fic.
> 
> i've literally just whipped this up in the last? hour? two hours? i'm not sure. i don't even know why i'm even actually posting this to be honest.  
>  it's not beta read, so there might be typos nd all, but? if u still wanna read it?? then Please go ahead??

Hongjoong should've seen it coming.

It's not like this is the first time this happened. Really, he actually kind of expected that this day would come. He just, wished it wouldn't come so soon.

But that's okay. Hongjoong's okay.

He's already used to people abandoning him, so it shouldn't hurt as much anymore, right?

_Right?_

Except it does.

(He remembers the time they met so clearly, so vividly, as if it was only a week ago.

It was already past one in the morning, the last he's checked, and it was a quiet night as it was lonely. The moon has already climbed its way up the sky, illuminating the floor of his bedroom before he's pulled the curtains closed. As much as he loved the sight of it, he's been trying to fall asleep for whole two hours until he's finally lost his patience.

Deciding to do something productive instead of staring numbly at the ceiling, he left his dorm with a light jacket thrown over his sleepwear and a laundry basket carefully held in front of his chest.

Maybe it was kind of a stupid idea, going to the laundromat at such a late hour it's actually early, but if he spent any moment longer lying awake in his bed, he'd go mad.

So, he ignores the gut feeling that told him that something bad was about to happen, and took hurried steps ahead, the quiet _tap tap tap_ of the slippers he forgot to change from filling the space as he squinted in the dark.

It's almost scarily quiet, otherwise, and he doesn't even dare look where he's going, either too tired or too nervous to pay attention.

Until he crashes into someone, and his laundry basket almost goes flying, that is.

He remembers the silent huff that left the stranger's lips at the contact, and the way his fingers tightened their hold on the basket before it could fall, the other's own hands coming up to secure it as well.

Now that he thinks about it, the whole thing was probably a bit too cliché to be true.

Because the next thing he knows, he looked up to meet the stranger's gaze, and his breath hitched at the genuine concern in the deep, brown eyes of the boy.

" _Are you okay?_ " were the first words Seonghwa directed at him, the first words that Hongjoong would recall even months later, his voice smooth and almost honey sweet, even as he was only checking for Hongjoong's wellbeing.

But it was enough to make his heart jump up to his throat, because the boy's voice dripped with yellow, beautiful, light yellow, the one that you think of when someone mentions sunflowers and lemons. But at the same time, he heard a slight, peach tint to it, barely visible yet enough to warm up the color of the stranger's voice, enough to make Hongjoong realize, how much he already adores the sound of it.

At the moment, he didn't trust his own voice not to crack, so he only nodded hastily, his cheeks dusting pink when the other chuckled quietly at his reaction.

They stood there for a second, the boy's eyes searching his own, before he finally broke the silence again, " _where were you going?_ "

"To the laundromat," he murmured back, glancing down at the basket in his arms as if it wasn't already a clear answer to the question, but the boy seemed so fascinated to hear it from Hongjoong's lips, as if it was something more than a simple, day to day thing.

It made Hongjoong feel some kind of way, that he didn't dare think about yet.

" _Cool_ ," the other said, and as Hongjoong peeked back up again, his eyes seemed to almost twinkle, so stupidly breathtaking without even trying, " _I was actually meaning to go there, too._ "

And so, they ended up walking the rest of the way together. It didn't take long until the older introduced himself as _Seonghwa_ , his hand waving vaguely as he talked, his voice filling Hongjoong's vision with various shades of orange, gold and pastel yellow. Enchanted, he let himself drown in the colors, listening to the other talk more than actually replying.

Only after Hongjoong came back to his dorm, did he realize that the older didn't actually bring any laundry of his own, nor a reason to actually follow him there.

And it's been over a year now, and based on that, he let himself hope that Seonghwa would stay.)

Really, he doesn't blame Seonghwa for what he did.

Rather, there's nothing to blame the older for. It's all Hongjoong's fault, for letting himself fall for the older despite everything, for watching it all go down without intervening, for letting himself forget that everyone leaves him eventually.

It's Hongjoong's fault for hoping that Seonghwa would turn out to be an exception.

It's Hongjoong's fault for getting attached.

(He knew this infatuation with Seonghwa wasn't healthy for him. But that didn't stop him from rereading their texts on the nights he struggled to fall asleep more than on the others, didn't stop him from unconsciously smiling at the tiniest mention of the older, didn't stop his heart from launching into a foolishly quick rhythm whenever Seonghwa as much as sent a smile his way.

But Hongjoong's always been the one to fall for people too quickly.

It's the kind of thing that comes with long periods of loneliness, because it's hard not to feel like someone hung all of the stars when they're the only one showing you the most basic kinds of kindness, and Hongjoong knew, he knew he shouldn't keep this up.

But he hasn't felt so cared for in a while, and it made him so happy it blinded his common sense.

And Seonghwa's always been about the little things.

He's show up to Hongjoong's dorm without any earlier notice, he'd send Hongjoong daily reminders to take care of himself, sometimes he'd recommend Hongjoong a song he's been listening to for the last week and later, Hongjoong couldn't help but associate every single one with the older boy.

That's probably why the sudden silence distressed him so much.

It was only a message left on read for seven hours, at first. A missed call, a lack of the daily reminders, and Hongjoong kept telling himself, it's okay. He's probably just busy.

Until the hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, and with every morning Hongjoong woke up to no new messages, he felt himself crumble even more.

It's almost a full month until he finally had the courage to text Seonghwa first.

A whole hour passed before he got a reply. But it was an actual reply, in contrast to Seonghwa just up an forgetting about his entire existence, so Hongjoong still counted that as a win.

And just how whipped can a person be, how absolutely enamoured, to still fall into a fit of giggles, his heart racing in his chest as he read Seonghwa's message, after a month of being ghosted.

_Thank god_ , he typed, a smile pulling at his lips, because how could he not feel so happy when the other finally aknowledged him again? _I thought you hated me by now_.

This time, it didn't take long for Seonghwa to text back.

_I could never!_

_You're like, the love of my life, I wouldn't ever hate you._

And deep down, Hongjoong knew it was only friendly banter, the meaningless kind that doesn't actually hold any truth behind it. But he still let himself believe that.)

It wasn't until now, that he finally realized it.

He should've seen it coming. He really just played himself like that, as if situations like this one didn't happen to him before, as if he didn't know how every single one of them ended.

("Please, don't scare me like that," he murmured into Seonghwa's neck the next day they saw each other, the older's hands wrapped around him protectively ㅡ it made Hongjoong feel so comfortable, so unbelievably _safe_ , "ever again."

They weren't even doing anything too out of the ordinary at the moment, only went out for coffee, really. But Hongjoong hasn't seen the older in so long, he couldn't help himself.

He was scared of losing Seonghwa, scared of being alone again.

And the older just smiled, the same, soft kind of way he always directed at Hongjoong, before replying, " _I won't._ "

Maybe if Hongjoong wasn't so blinded by his adoration, he'd notice he wasn't the only one Seonghwa looked at this way.)

Because only a week later, the older stopped replying again. And again, the radio silence was tearing Hongjoong apart.

This time, this time he wouldn't wait for so long.

This time, he made up his mind.

Taking a deep breath to calm his anxiety, he let his fingers tap against the screen of his phone nervously before sighing. Only then does he open his contacts list, looking for a certain name ㅡ but it's not like that many people actually try to get along with him, so it doesn't take him long until he scrolls down to see Seonghwa's number on the screen.

 _hey_  
**! message couldn't be delivered !**

 _seonghwa?_  
**! message couldn't be delivered !**

 _what's going on??_  
**! message couldn't be delivered !**

 _[ did you block m| ]_  
_[ did y| ]_

The thing is, Hongjoong fully expected this to happen. He's really just set himself up for this one, didn't he.

Because he knows. He knows he's too much for people to handle.

He knows how obnoxious he can come off, how annoying his constant worrying must be. He cares too much about what others think about him, and he's so scared of seeing people go he actually, accidentally pushes them to do so.

But he chose to ignore it. So, really, the only person he can blame for how pathetic he feels right now, is his own self.

(He just kind of wishes the older didn't let him believe he actually cared about Hongjoong.)

**Author's Note:**

> i... didn't mean to make seonghwa a bad guy in this fic, really
> 
> he's actually based on someone that i,, know. or, more like, knew. it's kinda stupid, still missing someone after so much time has passed, ha
> 
> also, joongs chromesthesia is based on,, my own,, hh
> 
> anyway ! thank u for taking your time to read this..... whatever this is, really.


End file.
